Grief, ridicule and love
Tuesday morning. My throat aches and I've never seen the likes of it before. I can't sleep, can't swollow, can't eat. It sucks big time dude. I have this anxiety and nervousness ticking inside me. Don't like it.
Previously on "The Story":
I didn't work a day more that summer '98. Instead I'd help out at home with different chores such as gardening, cleaning and washing. August came and I started the Social Science programme at Grennaskolan. [...] Sadly though our close friend Martin committed suicide in march 99. It was a tragedy for everyone involved of course, and for the little town Grenna. I think that my fear of conflicts were born at this point. [...] You see a couple of weeks before our dear friend's suicide, Martin had asked me if he could join a band I was in. [...] I really didn't blame myself for his death more than anyone related to a suicidal human being would, but looking back now I can see that something got stuck deeper within that I couldn't control. The fear of conflict.
Weeks and months of grief passed and I didn't see much of school, and school didn't see much of me. It took a lot of talking and thinking to process the grief. But what doesn't kill you make you stronger, at least for us as a group of people. Our boundaries between eachother grew stronger. I guess we realized how fragile life can be and how much we really meant to eachother. However what didn't grow stronger was my fear of conflicts. I don't really know if it had been there before. Perhaps waiting inside me for a trigger to be set loose. At least that's what happened. I started avoiding conflicts, especially with people I really cared for and people that played important roles in my life. I lost my ability to stand up for my opinions and instead played along with other people's opinions. I was afraid that people might leave me if I had too uncomfortable opinions. But really it grew to be very ridicilous. Movies, music, food, habits, whatever. I would start agreeing on most stuff.
What I haven't told you is that my bro Oscar had met a Mexican girl, Brenda, over the internet back in 1996-1997 something. In 1997 they met for the first time IRL in Mexico (my mom was about to die by anxiety, but everything went well). So in May 1999 me and my family went to Mexico for their wedding. It was really exotic and they held a huge party with over 300 guests. The couple decided to move to Sweden, to Grenna after various trips cross the atlantic during the years and also Oscar had been living in Mexico for about a year when they got married.
Later that year summer came. I was nervous and burned from last summer, but I really needed to find a job. Eventually my bro Oscar got me a job as a peppermint stick baker at Wetter's Touristshop in Grenna. Now, one might consider that as a rather odd choice concerning my previous less fortunate experiences with that profession. However this felt better and I felt that my bro took good care of me. My new bosses Jan and Gudrun were also a whole lot nicer and I felt treated well. Some weeks passed and I could more and more handle the job on my own. I guess my bro's good reputation there was a really good gateway for me. Anyway I worked and earned my first real money and felt that life was good.
Second year of Gymnasiet came and I really enjoyed life. I started getting over the pain and grief over Martin's death and I hung lots with my friends playing video games, watching movies, playing in bands and going to shows. My hair grew longer and I become some kind of hardrocker you could say. I met a new friend called Cecilia. Cecilia was really nice and my first real girl friend. Not a lover, but a friend that's a girl. Just friends. She had a really nice personality and we came from very different worlds, and somehow we found eachother in the masquerade of life. Many afternoons at Fiket (local café) talking about life and whatsoever. I realized that I just agreed with everything she said and I was afraid of having my own opinions because I imagined that it would make her dislike me. Ridicilous really, but that's the truth.
Anyway I enjoyed life and recieved a cultural prize the school gives to an important cultural person every year. I was flattered I guess. Summer came and I started thinking more of my looks. I started running three times a week, 2-3 km. I lost perhaps 3-4 kg but it didn't happen much really. Anyway I found it to be an excercise that I liked. I had met this girl Patricia before summer that I liked. She seemed to like me too and therefor I thought that to make her like me even more I should loose weight. I knew I had to loose some weight cuz I was a little over weight (86 kg) for my height. I had never been excercising in my whole life so it was a rough and tough start. I spent the summer working at the candy store and hanging with my friends. I don't recall too much of this summer more than that it was a nice time. I spent a lot of time writing e-mails to this girl Patricia anyway and a lot of icq-chatting with her friend Anna. They both lived at the dorm (Grennaskolan is a boarding school if I forgot to mention and were at "native homes" during summer so to speak. Anna was in Gothenburgh and Patricia was in the very south of Sweden somewhere. However things took an interesting turn. Somehow when school started again by august 2000, Anna and me kinda hook up and became girlfriend and boyfriend. I was thrilled by excitement and love. Which lasted for about two weeks.
Previously on "The Story":
I didn't work a day more that summer '98. Instead I'd help out at home with different chores such as gardening, cleaning and washing. August came and I started the Social Science programme at Grennaskolan. [...] Sadly though our close friend Martin committed suicide in march 99. It was a tragedy for everyone involved of course, and for the little town Grenna. I think that my fear of conflicts were born at this point. [...] You see a couple of weeks before our dear friend's suicide, Martin had asked me if he could join a band I was in. [...] I really didn't blame myself for his death more than anyone related to a suicidal human being would, but looking back now I can see that something got stuck deeper within that I couldn't control. The fear of conflict.
Weeks and months of grief passed and I didn't see much of school, and school didn't see much of me. It took a lot of talking and thinking to process the grief. But what doesn't kill you make you stronger, at least for us as a group of people. Our boundaries between eachother grew stronger. I guess we realized how fragile life can be and how much we really meant to eachother. However what didn't grow stronger was my fear of conflicts. I don't really know if it had been there before. Perhaps waiting inside me for a trigger to be set loose. At least that's what happened. I started avoiding conflicts, especially with people I really cared for and people that played important roles in my life. I lost my ability to stand up for my opinions and instead played along with other people's opinions. I was afraid that people might leave me if I had too uncomfortable opinions. But really it grew to be very ridicilous. Movies, music, food, habits, whatever. I would start agreeing on most stuff.
What I haven't told you is that my bro Oscar had met a Mexican girl, Brenda, over the internet back in 1996-1997 something. In 1997 they met for the first time IRL in Mexico (my mom was about to die by anxiety, but everything went well). So in May 1999 me and my family went to Mexico for their wedding. It was really exotic and they held a huge party with over 300 guests. The couple decided to move to Sweden, to Grenna after various trips cross the atlantic during the years and also Oscar had been living in Mexico for about a year when they got married.
Later that year summer came. I was nervous and burned from last summer, but I really needed to find a job. Eventually my bro Oscar got me a job as a peppermint stick baker at Wetter's Touristshop in Grenna. Now, one might consider that as a rather odd choice concerning my previous less fortunate experiences with that profession. However this felt better and I felt that my bro took good care of me. My new bosses Jan and Gudrun were also a whole lot nicer and I felt treated well. Some weeks passed and I could more and more handle the job on my own. I guess my bro's good reputation there was a really good gateway for me. Anyway I worked and earned my first real money and felt that life was good.
Second year of Gymnasiet came and I really enjoyed life. I started getting over the pain and grief over Martin's death and I hung lots with my friends playing video games, watching movies, playing in bands and going to shows. My hair grew longer and I become some kind of hardrocker you could say. I met a new friend called Cecilia. Cecilia was really nice and my first real girl friend. Not a lover, but a friend that's a girl. Just friends. She had a really nice personality and we came from very different worlds, and somehow we found eachother in the masquerade of life. Many afternoons at Fiket (local café) talking about life and whatsoever. I realized that I just agreed with everything she said and I was afraid of having my own opinions because I imagined that it would make her dislike me. Ridicilous really, but that's the truth.
Anyway I enjoyed life and recieved a cultural prize the school gives to an important cultural person every year. I was flattered I guess. Summer came and I started thinking more of my looks. I started running three times a week, 2-3 km. I lost perhaps 3-4 kg but it didn't happen much really. Anyway I found it to be an excercise that I liked. I had met this girl Patricia before summer that I liked. She seemed to like me too and therefor I thought that to make her like me even more I should loose weight. I knew I had to loose some weight cuz I was a little over weight (86 kg) for my height. I had never been excercising in my whole life so it was a rough and tough start. I spent the summer working at the candy store and hanging with my friends. I don't recall too much of this summer more than that it was a nice time. I spent a lot of time writing e-mails to this girl Patricia anyway and a lot of icq-chatting with her friend Anna. They both lived at the dorm (Grennaskolan is a boarding school if I forgot to mention and were at "native homes" during summer so to speak. Anna was in Gothenburgh and Patricia was in the very south of Sweden somewhere. However things took an interesting turn. Somehow when school started again by august 2000, Anna and me kinda hook up and became girlfriend and boyfriend. I was thrilled by excitement and love. Which lasted for about two weeks.
posted by Calle Rydberg | 6:50 AM
1 Comments:
I really love your story! I can't wait until you publish the next part, I want to read it now! :)
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